wanna go halves on a baby?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you bring me the toilet please
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize