I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
