Duck Duck Cougar?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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