Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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