ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
