He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
