I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize