Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
