i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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