Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
