is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
