please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
