fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
