Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
