the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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