I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
