Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
