i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
