I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
