omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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