The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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