remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
