Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
