chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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