he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
