Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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