I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
