Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
