So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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