if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Randomize
