I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
