I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
