I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
