Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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