A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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