I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch