I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.