Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes