my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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