Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize