It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
