when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
