I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
