I feel like abortions should bother me more
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
the liver wants what the liver wants
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
