Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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