I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
