I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
