worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
