The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Two words: blizzard sex
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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