So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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