Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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