I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm getting married
To pizza
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
