now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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