I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Randomize
