hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
