i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
