can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
