So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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