he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
