You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
