doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
