Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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