I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
